i was concerned for your health after you took your "last shot" four times...
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
STOP CALLING ME LADY CHLAMYDIA
I took his sheets with my when I left seeing that I underestimated my period. Also grabbed a 6-pack out of the fridge because breakfast is the most important meal of the day & I don't do other peoples laundry for free.
Just saw a girl duct tape a cigarette back together..I feel like my life is shambles for being present for this
Wheres my essay?
You mean the vodka drenched shreds of paper taped all over the walls of the hallway?
I am both excited and frightened by the fact that this much everclear is legal here. Best vacation ever.
Good news: I actually puked in my bathroom, the vomit from the living room was actually from someone else.
That's horrible but hilarious
I'm going to miss college.
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
I can't stop drooling did you spike my drink?
We're at an agreement where I don't pry and she pretends blissful ignorance
Now, I know I say this a lot, but you've obviously never seen my penis.
woke up with a tree in my apartment. also the everclear bottle is suspiciously low
suspiciously? i think one of those explains the other
On this version of “Dean Can’t Be a Normal Fucking Human,” I told a guy I’d shove a tv up his ass. Recreationally.
Plasma, LED or OLED?
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
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