last night this guy was hitting on me by showing me the famous people he had in his contacts on his cell... when he asked me if i knew lindsay lohan, i said "whose that? sounds asian"
Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
Between the two of us weve fucked every guy at this table
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
I woke up on a futon in some strangers house. They were eating pizza and told me everything was going to be fine.
Oh and probably wearing a life jacket instead of clothes didn't help things either
You can't start the super bowl without starting a kitchen fire making cole slaw. Its unamerican.
I don't even want to know
Because its Monday... And I'm determined to just be drunk for the rest of the semester
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
Someone's vagina was extra sandy cause the left side of my bed feels like the beach.
Duuuude someone spilled hot sauce all over the floor and trailing outside wtf
OH GOD IT'S BLOOD. THIS IS ALOT OF BLOOD.
Just ate an entire BBQ chicken pizza this better go to my tits
I accidently sent a dick pic to the group chat with her family. Right after they all said it was a pleasure having me for dinner. Wana drink with me?
I almost had a threesome in a giant beanbag chair. I love college.
It was like sex on an active volcano surrounded by the night sky and bloodhounds. And by that I mean it was nice.
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