Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
Well look at it this way, if he should happen to get into a terrible accident within the next 2 days, its okay.. i have his dental records on my ass cheek.
I just got a whiff of tequila through the air conditioner.
we decided to do a scavenge hunt for ourself for when we walked back to our apartments. We hid taco bell behind some bushes. I think they are still good.
Goats are brash and offensive and cocky animals
Are you high and at a petting zoo again?
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
Omg I'm puking right now and then sneezed four times in a row. You don't know pain til this happens to you.
For thanksgving we are only drinking wild turkey for the next 24hrs time to strap your balls back on and maybe a helmet
Ps we bought 8 pellet guns just now
Just assume that every drink in that house has alcohol in it.
Omg last night I was giving shots out like I was the Willy Wonka of the alcohol world.
Fine line between drunken accidental sleepover with your best friend's lab partner and gay sexathon. I did a cartwheel over that line. A CARTWHEEL THAT LANDED IN HIS LAP
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
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