I just woke up and i'm wearing a cape and it says sup slut on my ass
He said he was from Mississippi and my vagina clamped shut like a frightened oyster
Bring mistletoe to the strip club, and they feel obligated. they dont even charge you
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
Why are there hooting douchebags outside my building? Did a sport happen again?
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
I really enjoy how cavalier you're being about your chlamydia
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
its weird getting into a political debate with a pony dressed as an anime character online
What has my life become? I'be officially recruited my fuck buddy for help getting my ex back.
he tied his pants around my leg to stop the bleeding... i think he just wanted a good excuse to take his pants off
well did it work?
it was a success in both ways.
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
my dad just built a flame thrower.. you should probably get here
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