You have more facebook pictures than most towns have people.
Puking in one of the stalls, a guy ran in and started puking in the other stall... In between heaves we told each other our names; i found out that it was my old best friend that moved away in the 8th grade
you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
he gets drunk and then tries to eat the lasers at the dance club
im celebrating the fact lent is over and i can give blow jobs again.
Well then. It seems like we have a Mexican standoff of genitals
I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.
I hear sloppy seconds go great with fried rice
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
Do you remember lying across two tables saying 'go away I'm trying to pull' to me, Sollie and Sean?
Hit on in the middle of a Wal-Mart McDonald's by a really awkward nerd. There is not enough nope in the world.
May or may not have just put tequila in my special "kids+" orange juice fortified with vitamins a, b, c, d, e, and now t.
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
Randomize
