Have fun with your cool freestyling girlfriend!
She can rap better than you any day
it doesn't get any better than taco bell and soft core porn
I am drunk raised to the nth degree. The possibility of getting sick is approaching infinity.
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
Walked by a shop giving away free donuts this morning. Best walk of shame ever
Pretty sure God shed a tear when I put 15 singles in the collection plate.
Mandatory 420 Adventure Time.
This is why we're friends.
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
"If it gets you high just do it" I told him he was the Nike of drug abuse
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
I fit in backpacks. BOOM HERE I AM! Like a stripper from a cake.
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
Randomize
