if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
her underwear stopped being sexy when i saw her pubes sticking out of the top.
I'm going to make him fall in love with me one blow job at a time.
they shut off the water. shaving my legs with soda. that desperate.
im kinda looking forward to winter break. ive been away from home for so long i think i can trick my vagina into thinking that these arent the same people ive been hooking up with since high school...
We have zombies coming, and all you can think about is cock.
EARTHQUAKE STATUS DRINKING GAME
we walked around the neighborhood with caution tape tied around our foreheads, making indian noises. I might have disturbed a crime scene to make a native american headdress.
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
He smells like ham and a lifetime of poor choices
He asked if I had any questions. Apparently, "how thick is the stick up your ass" was not a correct question.
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
Drunk me made cabbage burritos at 1am after going to hustler hollywood.\nI bought socks. Lol
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