We drove past his house blaring "Like a virgin" in the middle of the day. pretty sure he heard.
I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
My Grampa even called her out for being a cock block at the bar...it was that serious
He sent me a picture of myself smashed completely butt naked passed out on the couch and said "at least I'll have these memories"
Woke up in a wet suit with my junk cut out. In a strange apartment. Just found thing biggest bong u have ever seen. WHERE ARE YOU?!?!?!
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
The pool of urine in the trash can signifies both a regretful yet successful night.
You just said you hate yourself then sent me a picture of your friend's penis. Clearly this is a night of honesty.
Well while you were being a dick I was taping back together a cougars broken heart
Woke up next to a half eaten Philly Cheesesteak. Honestly probably one of the top 3 things I've ever woken up next to.
You have to get it done early. Like a dick drive by. Hit it and run.
That cat I follow on Facebook beat cancer so we're drinking tonight in celebration
You have a husband. I have a bag full of electronics. This, is the single life.
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
Nah, we’re just sitting around talking about different kinds of boners
Randomize
