I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
is this the only place in the world where you can get shot on one side of town, and have to stop for cows crossing the street on the other side?
he said i'm too pretty to suck penis
In debating whether or not it's worth getting out of bed and walking 5 feet down the hallway to go to the bathroom before I puke
ive realized i need to start an "avoid moving in with my parents after graduation" fund
The cops said we could pay $250 or spend the night in jail and get 2 free meals. I might pee in mail-boxes more often
Bad breakup?
He posted a pic of me fully naked and smiling as he inserted a carrot into my vagina as my FB profile pic and then changed the PW, locking me out of my own account. So 500 of my closest friends, family, and coworkers now have that mental image of me on FB.
There was probably a tattoo above her soulless vagina that read 'it's a trap!' Yet you ignored it
Doing the walk of shame and bringing my dad a newspaper en route. Favourite daughter status confirmed.
I messaged him asking for his address. He replied with the address then said, "If you're gonna stalk me, I'm the third window on the side and usually get naked around 8am and anytime randomly after 6pm (listen for music).. If you're sending anthrax, I'm 6'2" 225lbs so send a good amount."
That awkward moment when your boyfriend tries to have sex with his go pro on #hdporn
Can finally say I won't be lonely this Valentine's day! Mother nature decided to drop by.
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
I'm disappointed in the internet. It's two days and there's still no fanfiction based off that Manning/Beckham commercial.
You don't even like football
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
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