i will soon be in a relationship on fb
you!?
me and your mom. i mean, lisa.
I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
I feel like tequila heightens the sense of my nipples.
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
I'm voting my liver organ of the month. The award ceremony is next weekend.
On a scale of one to america, how free are you this weekend?
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
Dude, nobody just eats a banana these days. This chick wanted it. She wanted to get down with Charlie Brown.
what are you going as for halloween?
drunk, naked, & emotionally unstable
He was feeling me up but acting like he was asleep. Like WTF does that mean??
She got up, grabbed me a box of gushers told me to start eating, and immediately gave me the best head I've ever gotten.
This weekend was amazing, 4 confirmed pukings, 2 cops, 3 hookers, one photographed t-bagging of the groom, and a night in an illegal gambling house.
Hey! you should come over!
Who is this? The number is saved as "Sexy Awesome"
my mom is feeding me weed brownies...god help us
Randomize
