If last night was a website it would be called poordecisions.com OR uncircumcisedspanishweiner.org
My superpower would be to be able to make a chick instantly start her period just by thinking about it
I just sold my mom a dimebag. Should I feel scared or sucessful?
We were both halfway out the window trying to give each other high fives over the roof while the dude was going 150.
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
He said female orgasms are a myth and refuses to even try to give me one.
You just seemed really offended whenever my cup was empty.
I planned on emotionally scarring him for life this weekend. DAMN YOU PERIOD!
I'm going to make out with someone. I'm on a mission. I don't even care if I'm wearing beer goggles. As long as he's not shorter than me, gay, or a woman.
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
You took nana to a bar?!
she suggested it
You kept saying “keke” over and over so I slapped you then you proceeded to ask if I loved you. In case you’re wondering why you have a black eye - Lauren
So a bottle of lube exploded all over my softball bag and Nike shirt.
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