Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
Ohh the wonderful, yet disgusting things she can do with her hair
he keeps commenting everything on my facebook. it's like he's virtually peeing on me
I'm a 23 year old virgin. I've masturbated in ways you can't even imagine.
I just kept pointing at random people and telling the bartender to put it on their tab.
I cant be sure, but i think ive been drunk in this church before.
It's like we come as a package. Your slogan should be "be in my family, sleep with my roommate."
My slogan can be "bonding the family together. One dick at a time."
i'm not even sure i have knees anymore. that awesome.
Idk how much more i could have responded my dick was basically trying to unzip the zipper and hop out
Only three months past my 21st and I'm done. So many life lessons in so little time.
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
I texted him a series of texts in which the first letters of each text spelled out "WE SHOULD HAVE SEX". If that's not dedication to the dick, I don't know what is
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
Between fucking and sleeping I woke up missing four out of five of the earrings I was wearing. It's like a star rating system. I had to give him props.
Randomize
