You drink too much
No, I drink just the right amount - too often.
I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
I just showed my tits to my brother on chatroulette. Could my life get any worse?
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
when I said energy drinks I meant cocaine
It's really not cool dreaming about going into labor with your ex boyfriends love child as you're sleeping next to him.
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
The only flat surface we had was a cheez it box so we snorted the blow off of that. Rock bottom really isn't that bad.
Currently rolling a blunt in the bathroom of Planned Parenthood
This couple is walking their pig around campus
Bacon and your penis are involved. Of course I'm going over.
Drunk sex on a hardwood floor is never ever a good idea. Lesson learned.
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
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