dude, your ex-bf is on match.com
details on that.
well, his profile doesn't say anything about herpes.
Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
shes perfect for him. shes never seen a penis so she has nothing to compare his to.
St Patricks day needs to be raged like youve never raged before. Like youre in the desert and it starts raining beer. Like it's the day the announced the 21st amendment (which is the one that ended prohibition)
She is still a psychotic unstable bitch, and is therefore PERFECT drinking game fodder
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
He's doing his thing where I don't know if he's alive until three in the afternoon so idk
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
Yeah, I'm sure we have time for sex AND ihop.
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
how did i manage to wake up with my bra on backwards?
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
Randomize
