if you dont talk to me in person you cant text me
i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
It's hard for me to sext him when the picture i see on my phone when he texts me is his facebook default of him and his girlfriend.
Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine?
her roommates boyfriend drunkenly walked in on us banging and said yeeeeaaaaaahhhh and tried to high five me
Her boyfriend was hitting on other girls while drunk. But, she said she was okay with it because she is a feminist and she supports all women's decisions.
Im just using you for your dick and your superb survival skills if needed.
After we had sex he made me watch a Top Gun highlight video...
Mate, you pissed in my bed. Then told me to "Just keep swimming"
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
I'm not sorry for loving America more than everyone else
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
Btw I puked in your glovebox
Randomize
