Apparently at one point I was wearing my sweatshirt backwards like it was normal and then I threw up into the hood. Never drinking again.
you'd be alarmed at how much plan b i just found in mom's bathroom...
Just gave advice in krystal burger while holding and pointing with a corona to a 3 year old, told her to enjoy her stroller time while it lasts. The mom pushed her away fast.
Best thing law school has taught me: how to use logic to turn a girls "no I will not have sex with you" into "well I might as well get laid"
You can't use the, "think about your future" line when trying to convince me to save some weed for tomorrow.
i wanna meet her so much more now that I know she got toed in a hottub.
she's living proof man. somebody has literally pissed in the gene pool
you know you have a brother who cares when he hands you a piece of pizza before you pass out from too many bong hits
Just keep my face away from hard objects. And by that I do not mean erect penised.... those are totally fine. It's more just things like rocks, table edges, blunt objects, etc so I don't get another concussion.
Might be time to reevaluate my life. Banned from red roofs inns. Apparently I puked in ice machine. 3 hotels in a year.
Love you too. There are very few people I let pee in my dishwasher.
He made me a flamingo drink and now I don't know why things are the way they are.
SHE POOPED THE CONDOM WHOLE
This guy needs to stop asking about my feet
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
Randomize
