Honey, If i waited till marriage I wouldnt know what a dick tasted like.
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
Apparently, I woke up in the middle of the night, got up out of bed, dropped trou in the corner, squatted, and pissed on the carpet. When Eric heard, he thought it was the dog and started yelling, and I responded by saying "No no, its okay. It's me."
cliffnotes. writing studyguide on last pack of smokes. glad this semester is over.
Ok so now that we've actually had sex do I get the last name or are u really witness protection status?
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
He's bought his dick a cell phone. A cell phone. For his dick...
He gave me the number and told me that I if I want to hook up again, I have to call his penis.
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
When you're awkward as a teenager, it never goes away. You just mask it. With makeup. And boobs.
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
I can't. Currently naked covered in Nair trying desperately to catch his cat that rubbed up on my leg.
I hate that cat.
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
Is it tacky to frame a negative pregnancy test?
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Randomize
