Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
Drinking wine out of an empty soup can and watching spongebob squarepants.. I eveb hate myself
Woke up this morning on my couch at 6am fully dressed including heels, holding half a corn dog. I called you last night when I was buying the corn dog from a street vendor, I think.
I am in love with you.
So i am officially handcuffed to the pole on the party bus while taking jello shots.....this shall be an interesting night
she basically told me that her vine videos last longer that I do
She mentions her boyfriend one more time, I'm taking her home and breaking that shit up.
Well I can't be held accountable to know every which time you slid a finger here or slid a finger there. I'm way too busy getting close to climaxing to document these things.
you ran up to the police and said "fuck the police shit we living in hell ". Then you dropped your Margarita and said "Darby Out" lol
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
Plus my fingers were hella swollen from eating all these cured meats so it was like I was given it to her with Hulk Hands on
Just tried to do a line with a snorkel I cut off... that is how my Aruba trip is going!
My New Year's resolution is to chill out on the group sex. At least with my friends anyway.
Sean just lit a cig with his taser..... I am in awe
I just want to eat chicken fingers and drink beer and smoke in bed with my laptop so I can watch Netflix
So your not doing THAT great with the break up then...
It's dangerous to be this horny at work. I'm gonna stain my desk chair
Randomize
