I just hemmed my dress for halloween, never felt more like a man
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
He was at the bottom of the stairs showering himself with the popcorn, then eating a few handfuls and running around.
You spent most of the night crying and throwing leftover meatballs at the neighbors dogs
Can't we have real sex instead of you just thrusting the air near me?
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
No foreplay. Missionary. Too quick. And he owns a fedora.
I almost fell asleep reading that.
I almost fell asleep fucking it.
True love: he brought me a margarita while I was n the shower. He's a keeper.
I basically have sex lined up for me in three different countries. If that's not a feat I don't know what is
He kept asking for nudes so I sent him a picture another guys dick. He called me ruthless.
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
I have a bad feeling I'm going to like this fuck buddy
I apparently tried to wax off my nipples.This explains the pain
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
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