im surrounded by empty glasses of chocolate milk WTF
Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
all we need is a shotglass and a helicopter.
Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
NO. NO LET HIS PENIS TOUCH YOU.
There is only one good excuse for how sore I am right now. And that is incredibly acrobatic sex. Unfortunately for me that is not my excuse.
I wish! That ended in 2001 when we all got collectively band from the Settle Inn. As a group we are also band from social events at the zoo. It's impressive really.
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
I smell like lime and condoms and I really want a waffle. Fuk
Any recommendations for how to tell your wife about the pics of her 19 yr old sister on a porn site without admitting you were surfing said porn site?
Not my lover. I would rather lose all my teeth, and I fucking love my teeth.
I would throw a dart into the Olympic ceremony and fuck whoever it hit
WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED. WHO CAME HOME WITH ME. WHAT THE FUCK RESPOND ASAP I AM SO CONFUSED
The people around me on the bus dont know im wearing glowsticks under my clothes. I feel like a super hero.
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