Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
Nothing gets me like the O.C. theme song does.
I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
just heard some guy walking down the street say "butt sex in the sun"
go get him tiger.
I'm not a pervert.. I just like to be naked...
I got a handjob to the OC theme song. It was like going back in time 7 years.
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
im honestly just eating salsa and looking at his penis
We got kicked out after you decided to chase your shot using the soda gun behind the bar.
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
I may have to steal the boat sober, but I feel that would be harder to explain.
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
I'm so hungover I just peed on my hand and left it, didn't wash... Killin it in 2915
For the record you're a very classy lady and your love for and mastery of strap-ons is amazing. I would gladly marry you and father your offspring
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