he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
IT'S FRIDAY. So quit being a pussy, get out of bed, and come help me drink these 40s. That's not a request.
French fry pizza
Are you brilliant or just really high?
Can't it be both?
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
I bought everclear. Bring your party pants and some addies
You're not gonna punch me in the face again are you?
This drive is very scenic
And I'm chugging whiskey in the back
As you should, soak in all this country has to offer
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
He should know he can't successfully wrestle in pudding fully clothed. Amateur.
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
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