Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
Yeah i wasn't gonna go out but then i was like im not gonna get my dick wet stayin at home studying
While my grandpa showed the family a slide show he accidentally included a topless photo of his new gf.
Yeah? Well I'm currently predrinking downstairs in my room by myself. Absolut and water with a hint of mint because I'm using the glass I keep my toothbrush in. Fuck, you bitches better get off work soon.
We're trying to see who can drink the most and still be eligible to donate blood tomorrow.
somehow a sneeze triggered me puking over everyone in the car
YOU CHEATED ON ME WITH THE WOMAN THAT IS STAYING AT YOUR HOUSE. FORGIVE ME IF IM NOT THINKING YOUR A DEDICATED BOYFRIEND.
I know, but the fabulousness of my baggies should not be what defines my business as a drug dealer.
Well, if it gives you any indication, when I got there, there was already some dude passed out naked in the treehouse.
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
Now I don't feel like I'm sweating cheeseburger all the time.
I am sure I don't wanna know but I have to ask... Why is there a kiddie pool full of jello in the living room?
dont you DARE use my tequila influenced words against me
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
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