Ok I can't be your drugdealer AND booty call AND friend. It just doesn't work that way
You coming out tonight? We gotta hang out before I move to Madison. BTW I'm moving to Madison.
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
Kill yourself wednesday started off with a bang, and im pretty sure im still drunk from tequila tuesday.
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In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
I just hit myself in the face while taking off my shirt. I could never be a stripper.
I dont know what we smoked last night but I woke up and found out I started writing a book called White Trash Princess. Its the best thing Ive ever read
You had the nerve to crowd surf to your own bedroom.. I guess watching Aladdin high was probably the best idea ever
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm jealous that you can use my boobs as pillows & I can't.
that's the second time I've left that bar and slept with the person that's driven my car. thank god I don't take cabs..
I've seen you dance and let's just say its a good thing you don't have a small dick
So I have to borrow my moms car tomorrow to go pick up my ID from the strip club so I can board my plane tomorrow
Your mankini haunted my dreams.
its liver damage thursday
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