So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
The strip club called, they have your shoe.
pretty sure I called you last night to sing Hebrew to you.
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
They switched jackets and you didn't notice. You made out with both of them and had no idea
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
You're not married and none of these idiots are committing to you so whore it up on whore island
Can we go to pirate hooker whore island then
How's everyone else's ass tattoo today?
Hey guys so who is Justin McGoo and why did I text him "fuck yooooouuu juuuustiiin mcgooo" at 12:06am on Thursday night?
It seems that Coffee is the true alpha male.
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
you are the only girl i know that would bring a plate of cookies to a hook up. but they were awesome. thanks. next time cupcakes?
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
I didn't think you were that drunk until you were trying to rub your foot on my vag under the table at the thai place.
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