everything was goin great until he pulled out his ed hardy lighter and smoked in my face like he was cool.
it's like you attract all the douchebags that nobody wants. people should thank you.
It was a deal breaker when she told me not to wear a condom and god would decide if we were meant to be together.
You need to stop blackout tweeting at him to have sex with you on the roof of your dorm. He doesn't even have a twitter.
I didn't just get this from the chlamydia fairy.. You should probably get tested.
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
he was extremely fucked up- he thought my sports bra was his boxers. even when his leg wouldnt fit. at least whiskey dick wasnt a problem
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
We fucked through the entire Destiny's Child album, it was a beautiful thing.
Just found some confetti on my nipple if that's any indicator of how the night went
YO. MCGRIDDLES.
How do you know i dont look like i got attacked by a weedwacker on bath salts?
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
Ur creepiness is now affecting my life and I'm not okay with it
By the way, you totally deserve "i got a job sex".
Randomize
