Is it awkward that I've slept with every guy in this room?
Only if they know about it too.
Who keeps a bong in their car??
Kids who graduated high school two weeks ago.
you won't ask to borrow his earbuds because you think it's gross, but you'll have sex with him?
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
after tonight, seriously nothing could taste better than toothpaste
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
You did it first. I was merely expressing my support for you, by pressing my testicles against a window.
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
I have to finish a biography for history and write a review on it so naturally I was like "getting high will make this more bearable" and now I'm basically inside the book at the revolutionary war with this guy.
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
Summers almost over and we haven't golfed, got naked or had sex yet. Let's do all three in one day, no particular order.
I know EXACTLY where things went wrong with her...I didn't use Cheetos as a wooing tool.
there are LEGIT cum stains on my ceilling. ON THE CEILLING!! you tell me how the relationship was.
Randomize
