i seriously just saw a stripper from last weekend walk into the classroom next to me!!
I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
how can i incorporate a boy scout uniform into what i do tonight?
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
I told the girl who was peeing in the garbage can she must have had a lot of upper body strength.
Lots of rum and cokes. Bartender wore my underwear on his head. Lost my keys. Accidentily started a fight. DC is going to kill me
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
Hook ups at LEGOLAND don't count right?
Are we playing inappropriate sexual encounters bingo?
I feel like my cat and I are playing mind games. I need more friends.
you flipped over the sheets and there was my bed. filled with ding dongs.
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
I just poured two shots of fireball into my Rapunzel mug I love finals.
Randomize
