The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
She liked every single Facebook status in her newsfeed and then made her status 'I LIKE U GUYS'
The National Anthem was on so I had to have a beer
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.
It's like past high you was looking out for future high you by rolling that joint and leaving it in your coat pocket. What a Halloween miracle
Great news I took pics last night
Warning: most of them are of you peeing while I take selfies
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
Tried to shave my legs but the rug burn on my knees from last night got in the way.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
The assignment was about the Industrial Revolution so I just screamed at them in a British accent all day. No, they didn't know I was hungover.
It took him 15 minutes to put the condom on.
Dude. Craziest ride ever. I was convinced that the bus was an airplane. There were clouds when I looked out the window. I got really upset every time the bus turned because airplanes shouldn't turn.
so idk what that means but now because of me he has a police file as breaking into my apartment and sleeping in my hallway under the carpet
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
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