He spelled "beautiful" wrong in his text
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
The good news is the house is clean, the bad news is someone redecorated the bonus room by spray painting "free willy" on the wall in honor of the girl who passed out in there last night.
don't worry i won't let him get attached. I put on my Hulk onesie after sex and yelled I SMASHED YOU. never seen a guy looked so confused.
At tuba camp, the pickings are slim. It's like being the tallest midget.
TOPLESS DRIVE THRU! I have no money and my dignity is at an all time low.
dude I don't even care if I'm getting catfished the point is I'm going to get laid. hot bitch, fat bitch, skanky bitch, i don't care my penis is having an adventure tonight regardless
At a bar across from the city police station. I PROMISE I will do something great.
We had sex and he ended up in the hospital... don't know if I should be worried or proud.
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
DO NOT TRY TO APPROACH HER CAT. IT IS A DEMON CAT FROM SATAN'S BALLS AND IT *WILL* TRY TO KILL YOU. I SPEAK FROM EXPIRENCE.
Do it!! We better have a duck by the time I get home.
I'm so sorry for trying to eat your puzzle last night...
Randomize
