dude, my face is all kinds of fucked up right now. and don't even start with i told you so...
I learned his name tonight. This now makes him a real person. Obviously, I no longer want to sleep with him.
Not even drunk me wanted to have sex with him. I kept intentionally hitting my head on the table behind me during sex till he said i was too drunk for sex.
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
You can't call dibs 8 years later.
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
I miss yesterday.Today's hangover makes yesterday's look like a little girl with blonde ringlets playing hopscotch in the street with a ginger kitten.
My Instagram consists mostly of drag queens and people who dress up as power rangers... I'm pretty sure I'm an unclassified category of gay
You know you are 86'd from the legacy right? You can't down shots then spike the shot glass
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
I wanna say I regret bonging a beer while having sex with Mike, but it helped me get thru it.
I know the wedding is going to be a good time, I don't have to wear a bra with my dress
Let's drink lean at the 5 seconds of summer concert. Give the teens a glimpse into their future as dysfunctional adults holding desperately onto their youth. You in?
Randomize
