my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
I think I just met the technical qualifications for binge drinking in five minutes
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
i can't remember the last friday i didn't spend in the foetal position
so i say "rick dont build that sandcastle" and he "says ok i wont" then i wake up and its sandcastle fucking city all over my apartment
Does making ice cubes at 4 in the morning count as being productive?
i ordered 6 shots "to go" what did you think was going to happen!
I do have a life. It just consists of making scarves and chesse straws now
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
I'm gonna die. First I'm gonna throw up. But then I'm gonna die.
Can we just get drunk and watch the Birdcage please I have no tolerance for straight men today
I just gotta say that I feel so much better now that I got some. I mean I feel like a normal functioning adult ready to contribute to society.
Definitely ended up doing Coke with Chewbacca in the porta potty behind the haunted house.
would it be okay if I showed up at your house naked? and is your door unlocked?
Randomize
