she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
How come it tastes like onions whenever I go down on her?
He wouldnt get hard, then started talking about his ex wife. I literally rolled over and started to cry
He just kept yelling woof and then threw money all over me...
You were trying to swim on the floor while eating a hot-dog bun and laughing about how much you hate bread and didn't understand why you were eating it..
i think dick pics are a sign of a sexual renaissance
So glad I decided to show up and puke in your trashcan.
These are the moments that bond souls forever.
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
"She's seriously grinding on him while whispering into his ear, 'take me to McDonald's.'"
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
I don't remember what you did, but I DO remember that i'm supposed to hate you for it.
How have you been? I haven’t talked to you since you dyed your pubes.
i'm at work, alone, drinking a spiced chai & fireball hot toddy. holiday OT isn't that bad after all.
I'll be an awkward "I've had the grooms penis in my mouth" presence and we can party our nipples off.
She had a toddler. It threw up and then some guy said party foul and put it on the porch. Going back next Friday.
Randomize
