Our professor just said "No class today, go get stoned." A guy seriously walked over and hugged him.
do you think theyll let us bring mariachis to the strip club?
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
He once got bit in the face by a dog and still got laid the same night. He owns Memorial Day Weekend
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
WE SHOULD FUCK TWO GUYS THAT LIVE TOGETHER
THAT WOULD BE SO CONVENIENT WE COULD CARPOOL
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
My boobs love her too. She makes them feel important even though they're small
Why isn't there a super hero that comes to the aide of really high kids when they kill their car battery?
We were wearing togas. So having sex was really easy to do without taking any clothes off.
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
Let's take a shot for every time we've said "I don't want to get that drunk tonight"
I love that you put so much thought and effort into your nudes
I don't send half assed nudes. Go big or go home.
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
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