I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
It was not a dingleberry, it was a dinglemelon
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
It got kind of awkward when her dad brought home a 20 something asian girl at 3am
By the end of the cruise, there was literally nothing in our room he hadn't peed on.
So hungover. They actually hid easter eggs around me.
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
Im the macgyver of cooling down beers. The toilet tank was blocked so I couldn't use it.....
He's in the hospital yelling at his brother to at least have stuck something "normal" up his ass.
Again?
YOU ARE THE WORST TRAVEL AGENT! THIS IS A SINGLES CRUSE FOR SENIORS. THEY ALL THINK IM THE FUCKING WAITRESS JUST CAUSE IM BLACK!!!
I'm just wondering how Jon managed to get vomit ON THE CEILING?
I just moved my 11am hair appointment to 8am so I could blackout at noon. Who am I?
I googled my name and pictures of you drinking showed up. Way to steal my thunder....
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