And mexicans. My burrito likes you.
that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
just gave a yankee's fan wrong directions to Fenway....welcome to boston asshole
I just used my thong as a hair tie. I think I reached my limit.
I just made Jack Daniels snow cones.
He's slept with 25.5 people. Wtf is a half?
The bartender said he wanted to turn you gay, and we got free shots the rest of the night
I'm currently braless eating the balls of the penis cake and drinking warm champagne. I'm 3 cats away from crazy at this point
We are all yelling at the cat at our apt in nothing but our underwear. How do you think it's going.
Thank you for helping a fellow gay friend today. You are sublime and deserve free tickets to the Ellen show
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
Can you bring me some underwear? I feel uncomfortable going underwear less at a Remembrance Day ceremony.
I'm just saying, if you haven't been dropped off at a Wawa at 5:30 in the morning by 3 cop cars, you're missing out
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
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