y did u give ur computer a hand job?
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
You know how I know it's Spring Break? I just passed a car with "South Padre bound" shoe polished on the back. The driver was blatantly drinking a roadie and getting road head.
hand shaped bruises on both boobs again....i wish i could say this is the first time.
welp wont be popping out a kid with a beret. frenchie is gone and the mother nature showed herself. bilingual kid can be erased from the bucket list
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
His friend still there? Be like "I need to see both of your dicks ASAP"
Do you hit a new low in life when you have to carry around a puke bag in your purse when you're hungover?
I feel like there should be a 'roommate information section' of the paperwork when there's a chance you'll be given pain killers.
almost just sent your mom a dick pic. almost.
I tied him up for his boyfriend so he could get fisted... I'm the best roommate ever.
Wow. That's certainly more than I've ever done for a roommate.
I don't think he knows you can have sex sober...
Randomize
