1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
The dr is doing well, he randomly asked if I was bi
this girl walked outta his room as i was walkin in to scottys and i just say " time for the walk of shame baby! whoooo!". she ran away
Today should be called shooting fish in a barrel day. Every place ive gone to ive met a girl who regrets not hooking up last night. There have not been girls this easy since Fathers Day
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
Ahhh sometimes you just need a thermos of whiskey in the library
Somehow those two combined like captain planet and shit went haywire
No. I either had a 6 minute orgasm or I had so many I lost count. I'm still not sure.
I mean he gave me an 'I owe you an orgasm' fist bump
are we fucking for lunch or am I using my vibrator ?
Then a third Canadian I didn't know showed up to the hotel room at like 3am. I let him sleep in our bed because he had pizza.
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
will a lunchtime blow job make it better?
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
Randomize
