Tell your boobs to stop staring at me.
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
The meeting is at the same hotel we go to for sex. Avoiding eye contact with all the staff there.
Her boyfriend was wrestling another girl. But, she said she was okay with it because she kept checking for boners--w the back of her hand like she was checking for a fever
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
So immediately after we finished having sex she started singing, "The Circle of Life", put her clothes on and then just left. I think I'm in love.
Today, my weed came in a pokéball. I officially love my dealer.
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
i don't think i have enough personality to make it through this date sober.
I manage to fit my wine bottle in my koozie and the rest is history
i just realized... if i ever hook up with someone on my bed, we'll be fucking atop my animated batman themed bedset.
Im so glad I make morally wrong decisions. It's like the best worst thing I've ever done.
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
The man who almost made us Eskimo sisters is getting married. Of course I'll be your date. We need to toast the end of his sex life!
He may not be good for my soul but he’s great for my vagina!
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