Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
at a party and just made O-H-I-O out of dicks and vajayjays...i hope someone took a pic i was too busy (; GO BUCKS!!!
he puked in his toast at dennys. after snoopdogg high fived him. couldn't be prouder to be his bro in law.
Look dude, you cant keep blaming everything on the new years party. Its february...
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
There is a mobile STD testing unit set up at my place of employment. In the lunchroom. I may need to reevaluate my career choices. And my lunch plans.
As we were passing the joint around, people were dunking Jenga pieces in Vaseline and sticking them to the window. I also smoked weed with a girl that was in an above the influence commercial.
She told me she's into girls now. I told her there would be a full bottle of jäger and an empty bed here Friday.
Girl re-adjusts bra, no one bats an eye. I re-adjust nuts, everyone stares.
When that wave blew your top off I heard someone yell "SPANK BANK"
As a former fat girl, that's probably the best compliment I've ever received ever!
I had my room mate call my phone after last night and it was in an uncooked quesadilla
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
I came so hard I literally levitated off the top of his dick. Gravity was no match for that orgasm!
can you tell me why i woke up in a diaper and combat boots?
Stop inviting Kevin over. The dickless wonder started playing some strange Sci-FY music and speaking an alien language and the girls split.
Randomize
