Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
hows that letter of apology to the waitress at waffle house coming?
I love memorial day. It's drinking in the name of patriotism. God Bless America
You unbuttoned your shirt and started walking down the center of the road screaming traffic stops for Enrique Iglesias.
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
You didn't hold all these dicks to become a party planner!
In the pictures there's a flower in my hair and also a lobster, I need those things explained
We watched scrubs, then I got a shower blowjob which led to shower sex and the living room floor sex. Now she's baking cookies. I may not be studying, but I'm doing something right.
I can't believe you didn't come out. There was a duckling ON THE BAR!
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
is it fucked up if I wear crotchless panties to thanksgiving to make it easier for me to fuck my cousins friend.
God I love you.
I don't know if it was the movie or the drugs but after i watched it i wore the same spongebob shirt to school for two weeks and stopped showering
Randomize
