You're being dramatic. You can calm down, or you can piss off. Either way, I ate your burrito.
we got plastered, then made lists of anything thats ever been in our vaginas
I know. Brad is upset because he was lower on the list than "that carrot stick"
I was just compiling a top 5 blowjobs list and that's in there for sure.
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
Fuck edible panties there is a dress made out of bacon
He's slurring his text. I didn't think that was possible.
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
now to finish some work and then i think i'll work out. or garden. or at the very least I'll continue eating frozen grapes and take more drugs
I had to say goodbye to one of my fuck buddies last night. He's voting for Trump, we shouldn't be doing it anyways.
I might go bald with this hair pulling thing every night.
dude you know how i got totally hammered and lost my phone at some frat when i came to visit you two months ago? yeah well someone mailed it back to me in minnesota.. with a picture of a cock as the screen savor
You were pretty conviced that my dog was a spanish child and kept trying to read him the news from your iphone app
That was the best shit ever it was like an exorcism for my colon
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