So I said to her: one time i broke my dick and when they took off the cast i could cum across a baseball field
We would have taken you home with us, but you were outside the bar measuring a randoms stream of piss by walking along side it... you said you were only at 32 feet and it still had a couple of grooves to hit.
He's basically wearing those Nike boner sweatpants. It's hard not to jump him. How has your day been?
Just broke my collar bone. May not make it to the party.
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So if I get kidnapped from my office and go missing for a few days does that count against my vacation days and do I still get paid?
Don't ever feel guilty about what you put in your mouth best advice my gma ever gave me lmao
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
Oh no that was the time I did the walk of shame with no shoes
I found it. now I'm going to the gym to be "healthy" or whatever that folklore is called.
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Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
Im part way to drunk.
Opened my notebook to coke all over the pages. So, if that's any indication on how this weekend went.
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
Someone fucked a stripper in their rental car, there is goddamn glitter everywhere.
I need to bang the neighbor boy. He’s given three women screaming orgasms this week alone.
Also, my apartment walls are too thin
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