i was blowing him and "what if god was one of us" came on his playlist. I had to leave
Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
Well its official I'm an idiot. I made out hardcore with an employee last night in our banquet room. Oh and got wasted at work. Oh and showed my staff squirrel on a trampoline.
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
My roommate says its rare that you can be tear gassed before you lose your virginity so i feel accomplished in life
Was almost hungover and got scared, skipped hungover, back to hammered. Fuck real life
I'm about to airblow my boyfriend. I'll three-way you.
SURVIVAL MODE. WE CAN DO THIS. Celebratory survived-working-christmas-retail sex to follow
Apparently I was proudly showing him the cup I barfed pizza rolls into
When have we listened to the rational side of either of us?!
You can wear anything you want
So... Naked it is then
What's Spanish for "I shouldn't have worn these underwear to work?"
i don't think i have enough personality to make it through this date sober.
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
Randomize
