the only thing i knew about you is that u dated jordan and were potentially interested in a threesome
remind me tomorrow that nothing happen between me and the guy who's shirt i'm wearing
had no condoms so I just made do with an empty doritos bag.
in retrospect, i probably shouldn't have referred to his dick as "travel size"
i'm pretty sure i lost all sex appeal when he caught me peeing in his bushes
She just tried to snort granola up her nose but its ok she's not bleeding.
I'm going to fuck every single member of the men's olympic swimming team and no one is going to stop me
Hey your work video crashed my computer. The 8 pornos running in the other window didn't. Congratulations.
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
That edible kicked in right as I was upside-down on that rollercoaster. Fucking.mind.blown.
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
It was the scariest thing ever having a flame that close to my balls...
He's honking my boob in his sleep
It's innocent and endearing in some way
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