I woke up this morning and the first thing i saw was the harry potter tattoo on his left butt cheek.
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
you asked a group of latinas stood by the bar to hold a minutes silence for ugly betty getting cancelled. that drunk.
he just wrote my ten page research paper for tit pics. i love my boobs.
So from the residue on my balls I think it was mashed potatoes she had in her mouth
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
Guess I was throwing darts at a patrons head last night, lol! Black out
Haha he puts me in a mood mix of annoyed and... "just get in my pants"
that pic of me and the hulking football player sure does come in handy when creepy guys hit on me at the bar.
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
Tequila Tuesday.. tonight is the night I defeat the liquor.
I have class at 8:30 and I am not bailing you out of the drunk tank again.
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
Randomize
