did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
Bea Arthur died yesterday
You shut your stupid mouth
Betty White is next, I just know it.
Betty White will never die! She's like Dick Clark. Rue McCalahan is next.
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
Thanks for the menagerie of condoms on my desk
It's the use of SAT words like that which make me want to use them on you
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
Bottle rocket just missed my head by about 3 inches. Of course I'm being safe
The only word I understood in that whole setence was semen.
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
well on a positive note i hear those vitamins you take while pregnant do wonders for your nails
So in Aca Taco on grad night 1am, this bitch walks in alone drunk as fuck in her gown to the front of the line and says, "I graduated today...thank YOU"
At least your night didn't end with three cops seeing your ass and you sitting on the ground in a wig throwing your shoes at people
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
In the ER with Chelz, I may have broken her ankle during sex. Lovely.
I had a date last night. His dog threw up in his bed while we were having sex in it.
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