Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
Bein cut off at a bar is embarassing ...until you get to the next bar.
no. i seriously look so gross with this sunburn. i wouldnt even wanna bang myself. and im really into myself.
God I love babysitting. They pay me $10 an hour to watch movies and sext
she screamed "my eye!" and it brought me a surge of bad memories. except she was yelling about a lemon.
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
Btw. Being a stripper for a week without anyone knowing to pay off my school loan is no longer in my agenda.
Today is an "outside sex" kind of day.
Oh my god I found my bf's erotica
OH MY GOD HE WROTE THIS EROTICA.
OH MY GOD THIS IS GOOD EROTICA.
I look at it as community service. He was going through a rough time and I gave him an ego boost. That's how we're going to remember it. I was doing a good deed lol
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
Randomize
