i think you shook his penis after he was done peeing.
So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
i just did my hair and make up to walk our dogs.. I hate being the single roommate
he rolled over in his sleep, called me a hoe and then grabbed my crotch. some things never change, asleep or not.
Feels weird sitting between two guys who've had their heads between my legs in a 24 hour span.
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
i need to buy one of the child leashes to wear at mardi gras or else im never making it out alive
I think I'm about to have sex with a second person before noon hehehhe! You're welcome America.
Prepare for tons of dick. I mean dick by the bucket loads. Waterfalls if cock.
So, we bought a knight today. Nearly life size. Hes in the garage, so don't be startled.
Buy Actually if the police need to find my body I'm on an air mattress in an apartment near a McDonald's that's all I see out dat Window
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
I'm sorry, that really sucks. I'm in the bath eating lasagna and if anyone comes in here it's going to be bad news for them
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
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