He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
Okay, we really need to start training for the St Pattys parade. 48 hours of green beer won't end well if we don't prep ourselves. 2 week bender starts now
Second night spent with creepy guy. I either need to change his nickname or stop doing this.
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
The port-a-pottys are knocked over so I have nowhere to sleep.
the repo guy said it was the first time he'd ever started to repo a car with someone fucking inside of it. he might have said 'doing it' instead.
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
I'm not gonna lie. The only reason I haven't drank a whole bottle of crown tonight is because we only had 3/4 of a bottle left.
Nahh no judgin. Compliments to the balls are always heartfelt
Rebecca hasn't has this number in 3 months. Please tell all her friends to stop calling at 3 am. We are not interested in buying or selling drugs nor do we want to hook up with anyone. You all need to go to rehab.
She took her panties off, then farted in my general direction. I guess we're at that stage in our relationship.
I'm never going to adult. I'm staying a child. The only thing related to adult that I want to do is you.
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
When I met you, I was just like "who the fuck is this drunk chick throwing up on my bed?" But I'm glad we're friends now
hotelroom bed is big enough to masturbate in, but small enough to not want to sleep in it after you've masturbated in it
Randomize
