If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
is cock-oriented a word? I'd say I'm that lately.
3pm strippers are depressing
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
I can't name a single part of my body that isn't sore. Who says break up sex is bad sex?
Yeah. I asked if there was a finger in my ass at some point or if I had a weird dream. So far he hasn't responded
So are we just not going to talk about the time I came home to you jerking it in the kitchen?
It's just great that Easter is on 4/20 this year. Now everyone can enjoy the Easter egg hunts. And being around my whole family.
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
my gynecologist gave me a high 5 for not getting any STD's since my last visit and said "Way to go Annabeth!" you have twenty seconds to get to my level
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
i woke up to drewlling on a plate of eggrolls half naked halfway between my bed and the floor, and i have no idea where my pants went
Upstairs definitely just had sex while I wrote you love poetry. That was a fun experience 🤷🏻♀️
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