She rubs her butt on the bed & then she growls..
i'm wearing my white shorts to coax my period out of hiding.
it was like weight watchers had a halloween party.
I don't know what he did but now I'm terrified of mustache rides and it's only movember 3rd
Fuck. These are the symptoms I had when I was pregnant. This could be bad.
I can't begin to describe what I look like walking through the grocery store with this outfit and chocolate syrup.
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
I know. I need to get a vagina tranquilizer.
OK am i seriously the only one who thinks Cocaine Tuesdays is a bad idea?
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
I just need to stop hanging out with girls who drink wine coolers.
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
Randomize
