never play flip cup with pint glasses
I finally got laid.. you said it wouldn't happen.
You have to understand, this is the first time I'm looking at a whopper sober.
and now her best friend is massaging my table under the leg. this may not end well.
Sorry about that whole "setting your deck on fire" thing.
At first i thought she was a sexily dressed toddler. but not in a pedophile way, in a really on drugs way
You're fine
I'm hiding in my chest because my walls smell weird. I'm not fine.
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
It was awful. Their identical twins so it was like having sex with Jeff wearing a wig and shaved legs.
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
BTW, Julia referred to you as a power bottom. Are you available?
Omg my brain. Most recent thought: I fucking prayed in the bathroom that the other girl would leave. Prayed to Jesus
aloe plants are like gummy bears with an exoskeleton, but with healing powers instead of deliciousness.
are you on the drugs???
Apparently when you start crushing adderall and blending them into your margaritas calling them blenderalls you have "a problem" WTF
Randomize
