in the middle of it he kept shouting: im going to be masturbating to this for the rest of my life
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
she got to the point every few minutes she checked to see if her boobs were still there.
Dear future Eric, sorry about the Everclear. Sincerely, Eric +2 shots E.C.
Considering that your "hello" was replaced with "Fuck yo couch," I'm not surprised that you have a black eye.
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
I threw up vodka and borscht. I'm done with life...I threw this up in a McDonald's bathroom btw.
I mentioned the porn thing he mentioned a brother it all kinda just came together
Currently doing the walk of shame out of some random girls house with my boyfriend. Talk about relationship goals.
I woke up this morning and had to retrieve my clothes from the flagpole, they were using my boxers as a makeshift rally flag for drinking. Yeah last night was a success.
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
I am high. And my mom surpised me today. Now i am high and with my mom....bad idea
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
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