What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
Turns out you're obligated under man law to share any passwords you may have for porno sites
Is that what they're teaching u at that bar review class?
If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
I really hope your girlfriend didnt have your phone while i texted how much i loved doing it in HER car with you :x
Just got thank you sex for shoveling the driveway. I cant wait for the next blizzard
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
For the first time ever I'll be using my lunch break to pass out cold on my desk. We've gotta stop having these late night drinking things on Sundays
Hey, you gotta think, is this REALLY the penis you wanna see for the rest of your life? THINK!
omg i wish you could see the front of my car.
There's literally a dust print of your body and your arm trying to hold on and the other one where your fingers visibly dragged down the hood.
Sheila knows I only go down on her on Bastille Day. Valentine's Day we get high and watch The Neverending Story. THE SYSTEM WORKS.
Oh my god I'm in a public bathroom with a space heater. I never want to leave
SMOKEY THE BEAR CAME AT US WITH FUCKING AXES IN MY DREAM I THINK IT IS A SIGN TO STOP BLAZING IT IN THE WOODS
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
After returning from the hospital with lock-jaw from getting tackle at the game. Some naked chick busted out of his room and hit him with a devastating haymaker to the jaw because he wouldn't have sex
Randomize
