May have finally hit rock bottom...bouncer from the strip club informed me I wore the same shirt last night
I'm glad girls dont get visible erections
But, it would have made life so much easier...
She is my favorite of all the girls you have fucked. Other than me.
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
i say over christmas we have a beer pong competition with the cousins and see who really has the best genes in the family.
I looked at my arm when I woke up..I guess after 8 tally marks I said fuck it and wrote "too much"
now you know why we've never bought a 12 pack of king cobras before.
I feel like today should be a " im going to have sex with you cause its raining and theres nothing else to do" kinda day
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
What's your ideal size in a man?
I just asked if you could cover my shift tomorrow......
NO HE PUT HIS HAND IN HIS PANTS BEFORE HE TOUCHED THE BONG.
ILLEGAL
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
Is there any chance of you maybe wanting a bouncy house at your wedding. Like maybe a .0001 chance. If so I would totally chip in for that.
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
Randomize
