I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
Packed at 6 am completely wasted. Damage assessment: 12 pairs of socks (no underwear), a flashlight, 3 shorts, shot glass, 8 sweaters, puff paint, one sneaker.
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
Drinking ketchup directly out of the bottle does not make it tomato juice.
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
Just realized i left my bra at his house. WHY do i suck at one night stands?!
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
I think the "tmi" ship sailed a long time ago, and it took our dignities with it..
Good morning love! Friendly reminder that we decided to make leggings with a vagina zipper. "For the winter quickie"
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
Just when I thought I was growing up, I go out and TOTALLY REDEEM MYSELF
They found you popping and locking it alone in the parking lot
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
I'm currently hiding from this horrific thing that we call adulthood. If anyone needs me, I'll be smoking a bowl in the bouncy house.
you tried to fight the cop who was busting the party, you said you had a constitutional right to do a keg stand...
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