did you know you can prarie-dog a fart??
we're making bets on your personal life
I vomitted in the hotel where they film gossip girl last night. Everywhere.
It's like I'm in a vicious cycle of noncommittal penis.
gay flight attendant. racoons. kegels. bartender with missing teeth. too many birthdays. fucckk.
I don't know bro, all I could remember is that he kept saying hallelujah and calling that girl Slutimus Prime
I had to keep telling myself 'you can't be mad at him because you peed on him'
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
I've reached the gravitational age where it's very hard to get my face and my boobs in the same shot without some kind of yoga involved .
Cool. Some 22 year old kids gave me a ride home from the bar last night. In related news, I made out with a 22yr old last night. He was adorable
You haven't lived until you've thrown up naked in a hotel room in Fargo while holding your breasts so they don't touch the toilet bowl.
BOOM BITCH SERVES YOU RIGHT I HOPE YOU SHIT YOURSELF PETER PAN
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
Someone's gotta tell him drunk sex comes before dating
be the chaos you wish to see in the world...
i'm trying to figure out how to respond to that in text
Randomize
