Dude, I don't think I'll ever be able to find a girl for me...
Is this the gay conversation?
So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
We found her hiding in the bath tub.. And when i opened the curtain she replied "thank you" and walked out like nothing happened.
It was awesome explaining why I had a tiger with boxers in my bed, a little bit drunk, to a girl in a pre-sex moment
That girl is nothing but trouble. She's 40% red hair and 60% daddy issues.
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
He bought you footie pajamas. Shit's pretty serious.
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
Because making bad decisions is what makes our house great and I don't plan on changing that anytime soon.
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
I think i should either cut my hair or buy a dildo.
2016 was supposed to be my year of being a ho, but I guess 2017 might be too.
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
why did you kick open the doors at church screaming whos ready to party?
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