Half Baked? Au contraire, Ben and Jerry, I was fully baked when I ate that whole pint of ice cream.
Call it a failed empirical study as to whether drugs would make her more interesting. or at least better in bed.
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
I REALLY appreciate you guys taking care of me when im wasted but i think its weird when i wake up in different clothes than black out in
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
Also got home. Still stoned. Mom was up. We made a pizza and were writing a children's book. Sleep good.
The more and more I drink I keep rationalizing banging eye patch girl
I think we should have realized the night was going to be nuts when it started with a bum dying in front of my house.
Most girls get hit on with a $7.00 drink. You get hit on with a $750K plane.
I was stretching naked in the middle of my room singing "Somewhere Over the Rainbow", apparently this is what I do when I'm high and the wifi goes out
I'm pretty sure his cum gave me swimmer's ear.
too bad burritos don't cuddle back
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
The last thing I remember is trying to chug the rest of the everclear, running through a fence, and laying down in the snow. I hurt.
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
Randomize
